16 Steps to Getting Over a Guy

21 May

As I was in the process of trying not to think about the latest douchelord that I’ve been quasi-dating, I started to think about all of the crazy things we do to get over a guy, and how they relate to the stages of grief.

I came up with this list of 16 steps to getting over a guy. Obviously, this isn’t professional advice, but the things that girls really do to make themselves feel better post-breakup.

Denial and Isolation
1. Analyze every detail of your relationship or lack thereof with your friends. Once it’s all out there, move the fuck on.
2. Make a list of pros and cons and realize that the 682 cons outweigh those 2 pros, no matter how big they are.
3. Whatever you do, DO NOT TEXT HIM. And, please stop with the morbid and depressed Facebook statuses. He doesn’t care and neither does anybody else, no matter how many “What’s wrong?” comments you may get.

4. Wish death and incurable diseases on him
5. Laugh about his weird habits and body parts with your friends. This is totally acceptable as long as it’s amongst your best friends, and it’s not going to get back to him that you’ve been bad-mouthing him all over town.
6. Sign him up for gay porn.

7. Post Facebook statuses about how great your life is, how much fun you’re having etc.. even if you are dying on the inside. When you’re doing those “fun” things, make sure you are actually having fun, and stop thinking about him.
8. Stalk the girls he’s probably banging, used to bang or hopes to bang on Facebook because chances are you’re way prettier.
9. Make a deal with the devil or some higher power that you will give up chocolate if you can just find a new guy or your ex can just get hit by a bus.

10. Watch any Nicholas Sparks movie. Have a good ugly cry, then masturbate furiously (preferably to Ryan Gosling).
11. Listen to your super Emo, sappy love song playlist. Make sure to mix it up with a little Spice Girls because you can use some “Girl Power.”
12. Mope, stay in bed and cuddle with the stuffed animals that you normally keep hidden under your bed. This is only acceptable for 1 weekend max- anything longer and you’re going to get bed sores and fired from your job.
13. Binge eat and grow a wolf monkey. Because you can.

14. Shave your snatch and workout hardcore. You’re single now, and you never know where you’re going to find someone to take home. Plus, the next time you see your ex-douche, you want to make him drool.
15. Channel your rage and aggression into a new hobby like boxing or blogging about him on the Internet ☺
16. Find a new distraction or recycle and old one. The only way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

9 Responses to “16 Steps to Getting Over a Guy”

  1. ComplexSymmetry May 21, 2012 at 2:36 pm #

    And there was me thinking there was only 2: ice cream and the film Bridget Jones’ Diary…
    Fantastic list though haha. Haven’t received any gay porn though so I can assume my ex didn’t think I was that much of a bastard!

    • This Ginger Life May 21, 2012 at 7:03 pm #

      There is indeed more to recovery than ice cream and Bridget Jones. And, yes, gay porn is only to be used as a last resort in extreme cases 🙂

      • ComplexSymmetry May 21, 2012 at 7:10 pm #

        Except if it turns out they’ve left you because you turned them gay. The might thank you in that case!

      • This Ginger Life May 21, 2012 at 9:11 pm #

        LOL so true! Luckily, I have yet to turn anyone gay (that I know of), but I’m sure when it does happen it’ll make a very entertaining blog post!

  2. Dave May 21, 2012 at 6:53 pm #

    I like #15. Boxing and blogging are two very good endeavors – even when you’re not recovering from a breakup.

    • This Ginger Life May 21, 2012 at 7:04 pm #

      I totally agree, Dave. While I don’t box, I have been known to kick the shit out of a heavy bag from time to time, and it’s a good time. So is blogging.

  3. D May 22, 2012 at 12:29 pm #

    Oh so true!!! i love how you pin point every step. based on my experience it does work!!!

    • This Ginger Life May 22, 2012 at 12:36 pm #

      It may not be the most sound professional advice, but it definitely does work! 🙂

  4. Christine January 14, 2013 at 11:39 pm #

    I don’t understand why the title and ovlarel slant of this article is biased against the man. Wasn’t the woman’s role in this situation perfectly analogous to the man’s, or are they suggesting (and terribly is so) that she had set up some kind of a sting on the guy after suspecting he was cheating?If that isn’t the case, then this is dreadfully prejudiced reporting. There’s no excuse for this kind of one-sided portrayal. The man is no more at fault than the woman.Talk about a disgusting article.

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