Tag Archives: brides

The Brides Have Gone WILD!

7 May

The apocalypse is near. An epidemic is wiping out millions of 20- and 30-somethings worldwide, and it’s headed for a social circle near you. That’s right, if it hasn’t started yet, your friends are going to start getting engaged. And, when the wedding bug bites, it bites HARD. Once that diamond slides onto her left finger, get ready for the bat shit craziness to begin.

It’s like Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones seemingly appear from nowhere to neuralize them and erase all memory of their single lives. Then, these corpse brides roam the streets, eating all of the single girls in their path alive.

In her 1962 book, Sex and the Single Girl, Helen Gurly Brown wrote, “I think a single woman’s biggest problem is coping with the people who are trying to marry her off.” It’s so sad that this is still true 50 years later.

C’mon ladies, this isn’t the era where you’re spending your days frying pork chops in the kitchen and serving your husband and his coworkers Old Fashioneds in the sitting room. I’m no feminist, but where have all the strong, independent women gone? Does your sparkly ring blind you into believing that a man is the only thing that can make you happy?

Now, it’s not all of you, and I’m absolutely generalizing here, but I would like to extend this question to all of you newly engaged and married women out there: What the FUCK is wrong with you?

I understand that you found your Prince Charming, and he “completes you.” And, I’m happy for you. Really, I am. I’m NOT jealous. You’re happy- possibly happier than you’ve ever been in your life. I get it. However, just because I don’t have a boyfriend, doesn’t mean that I’m unhappy.

I’m so sick and tired of the pity dates and the “Your life will get better/it will happen for you” inspirational speeches. Frankly, I don’t care if it happens for me. And, every time that I bring a random man home from a bar, ravage him, then kick him out without cuddling, I KNOW “my life is looking up.”

I’m 27 years old- my eggs aren’t shriveling, and my biological clock isn’t ticking all that fast. Let’s face it- I couldn’t be trusted to be someone’s mom right now, anyway. I have an awesome career, and even better friends and family. I’m having mind blowing, no-strings-attached sex with someone whose dick is more closely related to a horse than a hotdog. And, I don’t have to answer to anyone but myself. So, please tell me, what is there to be unhappy about?

Now, I’m not asking you to come to my “I’m Still Single” party, and I’m not asking you to drain your bank accounts to shower me with lavish gifts and toast me with expensive champagne. I’m just asking for you to stop lecturing me about finding love, as if you have a PhD in fairytale romances. Stop asking me if I’m ever going to get a boyfriend again, because just to horrify you- I’m going to tell you NO. Hell, I may even bring a chick as my pity date to your wedding if you keep it up. And, for the love of BACON please stop throwing me at every single guy you meet, just because we’re both “single.” Do you really think the guy with offensive B.O, bad teeth and no job is really the best catch I can get?

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