Tag Archives: Humor

Tips For a Successful Friends With Benefits

19 Jun

Bone buddies, booty calls, friends with benefits- whatever you call it, a no-strings-attached relationship can be really convenient and fun if done the right way. Follow these tips to make sure you don’t fall in love, your fuck buddy doesn’t throw you a flash mob and your lack of a relationship is nothing short of satisfying

1. Make sure you’re cut out for this.You have to be able to separate sex from your emotions. Channel your inner ice queen, and get humpin.

2. Delicious yet undateable is the perfect combo. You want a guy who you dream about being naked in your bed, not at the dinner table next to your mom.

3. Your friend with benefits isn’t your friend. You should be acquaintances at best.

4. The only thing you should know intimately is his genitals.

5. Don’t talk or text before 10pm unless you’re meeting up for a lazy side bang before work in the morning.

6. This isn’t the movies, and you are NOT going to fall in love. Think about it- do you really want to tell the grandkids a fairytale where you fell for your fuck buddy?

7. You’re not a slut. Everyone has needs. Think of this guy as a glorified vibrator, just don’t talk about it. Your number isn’t multiplying, and steady sex with one guy is better than random one night stands with several guys.

8. Make sure your mancandy isn’t running his mouth around town either. Secret lives can be sexy, keep it that way.

9. You should see your favorite bartender more than you see your bone buddy..

10. Don’t diss your friends for him. EVER. Chicks before dicks no matter what.

11. Don’t stop dating. A friend with benefits is similar to a marathon of The Real Housewives– you watch it because it’s fun and passes the time, but there’s no real substance there. Remember you’re just biding your time until you find someone you ACTUALLY want to date.

12. Use Protection! You and your booty call don’t owe each other anything, so the last thing you want him to give you is a trip to the gyno.

13.  This is the one time you can actually say size matters. Find a fuck buddy who satisfies you!

14. You’re not cuddle buddies, and you’re not making love. Fuck his brains out, kick him out then spoon with your teddy bear.

15. All good things must come to an end. Have your fun, fulfill some fantasies, then cut it off before anyone gets hurt.

HMQQ259BR3P7

16 Steps to Getting Over a Guy

21 May

As I was in the process of trying not to think about the latest douchelord that I’ve been quasi-dating, I started to think about all of the crazy things we do to get over a guy, and how they relate to the stages of grief.

I came up with this list of 16 steps to getting over a guy. Obviously, this isn’t professional advice, but the things that girls really do to make themselves feel better post-breakup.

Denial and Isolation
1. Analyze every detail of your relationship or lack thereof with your friends. Once it’s all out there, move the fuck on.
2. Make a list of pros and cons and realize that the 682 cons outweigh those 2 pros, no matter how big they are.
3. Whatever you do, DO NOT TEXT HIM. And, please stop with the morbid and depressed Facebook statuses. He doesn’t care and neither does anybody else, no matter how many “What’s wrong?” comments you may get.

Anger
4. Wish death and incurable diseases on him
5. Laugh about his weird habits and body parts with your friends. This is totally acceptable as long as it’s amongst your best friends, and it’s not going to get back to him that you’ve been bad-mouthing him all over town.
6. Sign him up for gay porn.

Bargaining
7. Post Facebook statuses about how great your life is, how much fun you’re having etc.. even if you are dying on the inside. When you’re doing those “fun” things, make sure you are actually having fun, and stop thinking about him.
8. Stalk the girls he’s probably banging, used to bang or hopes to bang on Facebook because chances are you’re way prettier.
9. Make a deal with the devil or some higher power that you will give up chocolate if you can just find a new guy or your ex can just get hit by a bus.

Depression
10. Watch any Nicholas Sparks movie. Have a good ugly cry, then masturbate furiously (preferably to Ryan Gosling).
11. Listen to your super Emo, sappy love song playlist. Make sure to mix it up with a little Spice Girls because you can use some “Girl Power.”
12. Mope, stay in bed and cuddle with the stuffed animals that you normally keep hidden under your bed. This is only acceptable for 1 weekend max- anything longer and you’re going to get bed sores and fired from your job.
13. Binge eat and grow a wolf monkey. Because you can.

Acceptance
14. Shave your snatch and workout hardcore. You’re single now, and you never know where you’re going to find someone to take home. Plus, the next time you see your ex-douche, you want to make him drool.
15. Channel your rage and aggression into a new hobby like boxing or blogging about him on the Internet ☺
16. Find a new distraction or recycle and old one. The only way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

Is a Bad Kisser a Dealbreaker?

14 May

I’ve always kinda believed that a guy who can’t kiss should be immediately kicked to the curb. If you can’t kiss, you can’t turn me on. If you can’t turn me on, you can’t get in my pants. It’s really as simple as that: a+b=c. Your sexual prowess rapidly dissipates with every horrible jab of your tongue.

However, my friend’s recent experience with a horrible kisser has inspired me to explore the different types of bad kisses, to find out when a makeout should be deemed a mistake and when it’s time to move on.

The Awkward First Kiss

Chances are you don’t know each other well. Hell, it might even be a sober first date. Maybe you bump heads, maybe you can’t find each other’s rhythm. Whatever happens, attribute it to nerves, laugh it off and try again. If you still can’t get it right, my advice is to give it the drunk test. If you guys can’t get it together when you’re shitballs drunk, chances are it’s just not meant to be.

The Tainted Ex

You’re recycling someone from your past. You hooked up, it was fun and for some reason you moved on. Now, because you’re some combination of drunk, horny, desperate and bored, you’ve come back to relive what never was. Remember that you moved on for a reason. If they were a bad kisser then, chances are they’re a bad kisser now so what the fuck are you doing? Stop it! However, if the kiss was a great but sucks now, chances are you’ve grown, matured or they’ve been tainted by their ex, so it’s definitely time to MOVE ON!

The Over Eager Son of a Bitch

This is the person that rushes in so hard they may break your nose. Then they proceed to rape your entire face with an interesting combo of drool, tongue and teeth. You’re left feeling uber violated with a fat lip and slobber dripping off your chin. I’m really not sure where this type of kisser learns their moves, but I can assure you they think you LOVE it. I can speak from experience that the guy who was literally licking the bottom of my chin thought that he really knew how to make my panties wet. He didn’t. This person will probably try to make you kiss like them, which could turn you into a “Tainted Ex”- so stay away!

 Blast from the Past

There are two types of kissers that can be grouped together because they remind me of one thing: the kissing I did in grammar school! The “Swirler” has never learned that it’s not okay to just stick your tongue in someone’s mouth and swirl it round and round in circles. The only thing worse than their helicopter kissing is the “Lizard”- the kisser who jabs their pointy tongue in and out of your mouth repeatedly like they’re trying to catch a fly. Now maybe I’m feeling a little nostalgic, because while I don’t condone this type of behavior, I think we can chalk this up to inexperience. They clearly don’t know any better, so it’s your job to teach them the right way. If there’s chemistry there, and this isn’t just a one night stand, I say stick around and get schoolin’.

The Lazy Asshole

This person either doesn’t use any tongue at all, which let’s face it is basically equivalent to dry humping with jeans on-completely pointless. Or, and this really grinds my gears, their tongue weighs down your mouth and doesn’t move. Somewhere along the line, they decided that resting their tongue on the bottom of your mouth was enough to turn you on. Run away from this lazy fuck screaming- if their kissing performance says anything about their sex life, you won’t ever be satisfied. Nobody likes a dead fish.

When is a bad kiss a dealbreaker for you?

The Cure for a Bad Day

9 May

Today was a crap day. I woke up late. The rain left my hair frizzy and stuck to my face, and my stupid umbrella wouldn’t stay closed. Work sucked. Eh, you get the picture by now, don’t you? But just like that, my day turned around, and I thought I’d pass on the ingredients that cured my bad day.

  • Adam Levine. I brought it back to the early 2000’s on my commute home, and fantasized that I was Jane and Adam Levine and his delicious tattoos were singing only to me.
  • Free skincare products. One of our clients at work sent over my personalized skincare regimen worth over $100 for free! If it’s free, it’s for me.
  • Guacamole. Good fat makes me so happy.
  • A clean apartment. My roommate was nervous about the Knicks game, and when he’s nervous he cleans.
  • Serious eye sex with the Adonis that was jogging past my apartment.

And, now for the best part. I logged into my online dating profile, and I had 8 messages! That has to my all-time high for the number of messages in one day. I must be on the top of my game. So, I feel like I need to extend a personal thank you to each and every one of these men for reminding me exactly why my life is great, so here goes:

Thank you 350lb. man wearing spandex and stretching in a way no man should in every one of your photos.

Thank you gorgeous married man for choosing me to be a part of some weird sexcapade with you and your swinger wife.

Thank you guy who wonders if there is more to me than a pretty face.

Thank you 20-year-old baby for making me feel like a rapist while simultaneously boosting my self-esteem with your sweet and simple, “Cute.”

Thank you old enough to be my dad man for diving right in, giving me your digits and telling me you want to make babies.

Thank you awkward I’m going to message you multiple times before you respond guy.

Thank you sir, but I don’t speak Swahili or whatever language it is you are writing to me in.

Thank you guy who is surprised that no one has put a ring on it yet. So am I.

I can’t even make this stuff up. Welcome to my world. I hope this cheers you up as much as it did me.

Top 10 Things You Should Know About Online Dating

8 May

The day I came into work and announced my newfound singledom last year, my cube mates turned around and immediately forced me to embark on my next rite of passage: filling out my first online dating profile.

My fingers swiftly yet nimbly typed out the perfect self-description that was equal parts silly, sexy and sarcastic. My guy friends carefully selected photos that made just the right impression. And, I was actually kind of excited.

I had always been intrigued by the whole online dating thing, and had heard so many success stories.

However, all too soon I learned that the first rule of online dating is that no one talks about the perils of online dating.

Here are the Top 10 truths about online dating that no one talks about (in public):

1. Sarcasm doesn’t translate- it just makes you come off like a total bitch. And, no guy wants a girl who is funnier than he is.

2. Don’t be a bully. No one wants to fuck Francis.

3. Everyone loves to travel, and you should use your profile as a forum to brag about all of the exotic places you’ve been. Your annual family vacations to Wildwood, NJ won’t count.

4. Hiking. Just fucking stop. STOP! Unless you are King fucking Kong, no one likes hiking THAT much.

5. No matter how un-superficial you are in real life, you have to look at ALL of his photos first. Otherwise, you’re just going to get pissed off when you waste time reading a profile only to find out the guy is a “total Monet.”

6. Don’t think that the physical appearance and mental stability of the people messaging you coincide with your actual value. Know that 99% of the messages you receive will be from guys old enough to be your dad, ugly enough to be your dead dog or crazy enough to be chained up in a mental institution.

7. Playing 20 Questions with a date is a great way to find out 20 reasons why you’d never touch his dick.

8. Guys will find a way to stalk you, even if you’ve never met them, responded to their messages or glanced at their profile.

9. Guys will ask for your number, text you with “hey sexiness” once, and never answer you again. Was your “Hi” response too forward? Did he get hit by a truck? Did he drop his phone in the toilet bowl? Nope. He’s just a douchelord.

10. No one wants to see pictures of your pets. They’d rather see pictures of your genitals. But don’t get me started on all of you guys with your shirtless, underwear photos. It’s just like catcalling a girl on the street- does it ever really work? 

What have you learned about online dating that every female should know?


The Brides Have Gone WILD!

7 May

The apocalypse is near. An epidemic is wiping out millions of 20- and 30-somethings worldwide, and it’s headed for a social circle near you. That’s right, if it hasn’t started yet, your friends are going to start getting engaged. And, when the wedding bug bites, it bites HARD. Once that diamond slides onto her left finger, get ready for the bat shit craziness to begin.

It’s like Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones seemingly appear from nowhere to neuralize them and erase all memory of their single lives. Then, these corpse brides roam the streets, eating all of the single girls in their path alive.

In her 1962 book, Sex and the Single Girl, Helen Gurly Brown wrote, “I think a single woman’s biggest problem is coping with the people who are trying to marry her off.” It’s so sad that this is still true 50 years later.

C’mon ladies, this isn’t the era where you’re spending your days frying pork chops in the kitchen and serving your husband and his coworkers Old Fashioneds in the sitting room. I’m no feminist, but where have all the strong, independent women gone? Does your sparkly ring blind you into believing that a man is the only thing that can make you happy?

Now, it’s not all of you, and I’m absolutely generalizing here, but I would like to extend this question to all of you newly engaged and married women out there: What the FUCK is wrong with you?

I understand that you found your Prince Charming, and he “completes you.” And, I’m happy for you. Really, I am. I’m NOT jealous. You’re happy- possibly happier than you’ve ever been in your life. I get it. However, just because I don’t have a boyfriend, doesn’t mean that I’m unhappy.

I’m so sick and tired of the pity dates and the “Your life will get better/it will happen for you” inspirational speeches. Frankly, I don’t care if it happens for me. And, every time that I bring a random man home from a bar, ravage him, then kick him out without cuddling, I KNOW “my life is looking up.”

I’m 27 years old- my eggs aren’t shriveling, and my biological clock isn’t ticking all that fast. Let’s face it- I couldn’t be trusted to be someone’s mom right now, anyway. I have an awesome career, and even better friends and family. I’m having mind blowing, no-strings-attached sex with someone whose dick is more closely related to a horse than a hotdog. And, I don’t have to answer to anyone but myself. So, please tell me, what is there to be unhappy about?

Now, I’m not asking you to come to my “I’m Still Single” party, and I’m not asking you to drain your bank accounts to shower me with lavish gifts and toast me with expensive champagne. I’m just asking for you to stop lecturing me about finding love, as if you have a PhD in fairytale romances. Stop asking me if I’m ever going to get a boyfriend again, because just to horrify you- I’m going to tell you NO. Hell, I may even bring a chick as my pity date to your wedding if you keep it up. And, for the love of BACON please stop throwing me at every single guy you meet, just because we’re both “single.” Do you really think the guy with offensive B.O, bad teeth and no job is really the best catch I can get?

Welcome to This Ginger Life!

7 May

My life has been one seriously wild ride. The last 27 years have been nothing but one ridiculous adventure after the next. I’ve loved, I’ve lost and you better believe I got loaded through most of it. To top it off, I’ve navigated it all all as a ginger, which in my opinion should get me some sort of trophy.Since I’m not a wealthy silver fox,with a trophy wife on my arm, I’ll have to settle for this blog being the victory medal that I can’t show off on my mantle.

I narrowly escaped from a longgg term relationship almost a year ago. While he chose to move on, I chose to start living again, and it’s been one of the most insane years of my life. I figure it’s time to start documenting it. The dating scene is definitely not what it was when I was bartending my way through college, and I’m pretty sure guys are bigger douchelords than ever, so I can promise you there will be no shortage of material.

You can count on me for weekly tales of dating dilemmas, wild weekends, manhunts gone wrong, random musings and so much more. At the very least, I’ll at least make you laugh.

%d bloggers like this: