Tag Archives: lifestyle

Top 10 Things You Should Know About Online Dating

8 May

The day I came into work and announced my newfound singledom last year, my cube mates turned around and immediately forced me to embark on my next rite of passage: filling out my first online dating profile.

My fingers swiftly yet nimbly typed out the perfect self-description that was equal parts silly, sexy and sarcastic. My guy friends carefully selected photos that made just the right impression. And, I was actually kind of excited.

I had always been intrigued by the whole online dating thing, and had heard so many success stories.

However, all too soon I learned that the first rule of online dating is that no one talks about the perils of online dating.

Here are the Top 10 truths about online dating that no one talks about (in public):

1. Sarcasm doesn’t translate- it just makes you come off like a total bitch. And, no guy wants a girl who is funnier than he is.

2. Don’t be a bully. No one wants to fuck Francis.

3. Everyone loves to travel, and you should use your profile as a forum to brag about all of the exotic places you’ve been. Your annual family vacations to Wildwood, NJ won’t count.

4. Hiking. Just fucking stop. STOP! Unless you are King fucking Kong, no one likes hiking THAT much.

5. No matter how un-superficial you are in real life, you have to look at ALL of his photos first. Otherwise, you’re just going to get pissed off when you waste time reading a profile only to find out the guy is a “total Monet.”

6. Don’t think that the physical appearance and mental stability of the people messaging you coincide with your actual value. Know that 99% of the messages you receive will be from guys old enough to be your dad, ugly enough to be your dead dog or crazy enough to be chained up in a mental institution.

7. Playing 20 Questions with a date is a great way to find out 20 reasons why you’d never touch his dick.

8. Guys will find a way to stalk you, even if you’ve never met them, responded to their messages or glanced at their profile.

9. Guys will ask for your number, text you with “hey sexiness” once, and never answer you again. Was your “Hi” response too forward? Did he get hit by a truck? Did he drop his phone in the toilet bowl? Nope. He’s just a douchelord.

10. No one wants to see pictures of your pets. They’d rather see pictures of your genitals. But don’t get me started on all of you guys with your shirtless, underwear photos. It’s just like catcalling a girl on the street- does it ever really work? 

What have you learned about online dating that every female should know?

The Brides Have Gone WILD!

7 May

The apocalypse is near. An epidemic is wiping out millions of 20- and 30-somethings worldwide, and it’s headed for a social circle near you. That’s right, if it hasn’t started yet, your friends are going to start getting engaged. And, when the wedding bug bites, it bites HARD. Once that diamond slides onto her left finger, get ready for the bat shit craziness to begin.

It’s like Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones seemingly appear from nowhere to neuralize them and erase all memory of their single lives. Then, these corpse brides roam the streets, eating all of the single girls in their path alive.

In her 1962 book, Sex and the Single Girl, Helen Gurly Brown wrote, “I think a single woman’s biggest problem is coping with the people who are trying to marry her off.” It’s so sad that this is still true 50 years later.

C’mon ladies, this isn’t the era where you’re spending your days frying pork chops in the kitchen and serving your husband and his coworkers Old Fashioneds in the sitting room. I’m no feminist, but where have all the strong, independent women gone? Does your sparkly ring blind you into believing that a man is the only thing that can make you happy?

Now, it’s not all of you, and I’m absolutely generalizing here, but I would like to extend this question to all of you newly engaged and married women out there: What the FUCK is wrong with you?

I understand that you found your Prince Charming, and he “completes you.” And, I’m happy for you. Really, I am. I’m NOT jealous. You’re happy- possibly happier than you’ve ever been in your life. I get it. However, just because I don’t have a boyfriend, doesn’t mean that I’m unhappy.

I’m so sick and tired of the pity dates and the “Your life will get better/it will happen for you” inspirational speeches. Frankly, I don’t care if it happens for me. And, every time that I bring a random man home from a bar, ravage him, then kick him out without cuddling, I KNOW “my life is looking up.”

I’m 27 years old- my eggs aren’t shriveling, and my biological clock isn’t ticking all that fast. Let’s face it- I couldn’t be trusted to be someone’s mom right now, anyway. I have an awesome career, and even better friends and family. I’m having mind blowing, no-strings-attached sex with someone whose dick is more closely related to a horse than a hotdog. And, I don’t have to answer to anyone but myself. So, please tell me, what is there to be unhappy about?

Now, I’m not asking you to come to my “I’m Still Single” party, and I’m not asking you to drain your bank accounts to shower me with lavish gifts and toast me with expensive champagne. I’m just asking for you to stop lecturing me about finding love, as if you have a PhD in fairytale romances. Stop asking me if I’m ever going to get a boyfriend again, because just to horrify you- I’m going to tell you NO. Hell, I may even bring a chick as my pity date to your wedding if you keep it up. And, for the love of BACON please stop throwing me at every single guy you meet, just because we’re both “single.” Do you really think the guy with offensive B.O, bad teeth and no job is really the best catch I can get?

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