Tag Archives: love

OkCupid Chronicles: The Hi, You’re Fucking Insane Edition

13 Jun

I know I’ve been M.I.A. since MDW, but I think I’ve been recooperating since then. Just because I’ve been struggling to become a human again doesn’t mean I have any shortage of material- in fact it’s just the opposite. Too many stories, too little time to write. Anywho, I’m back for good, or until I go on a long weekend bender again.

I brought this one upon myself. Kinda. I was bored in bed one night browsing OKC and came across “Insane Andy.” He was cute and his profile was semi-interesting, so I messaged him. I got a response back almost immediately, which should’ve tipped me off, but it didn’t.

We exchanged messages back and forth, and I eventually gave him the lucky 10. He wanted to meet for drinks, and you should know by now that I never turn down a boozertunity, so I was down. However, I was going away for Memorial Day weekend, and he was going to have to wait until I returned. 

While on the road on Friday, he texts me with “Honey, how is your Friday?” First of all, no one should ever call someone they’ve never met “Honey.” Calling me “honey” is right up there with trying to hold my hand on a first date, and right behind “Ma” on the list of pet names I despise. I fucking hate it. That was strike one.

I remind him that I’m going camping and will not have reception until Monday. He says “Oh no, I thought we were going to spend the whole weekend together? :(”

I hoped I was reading humor and sarcasm in that message, so I said, “Sorry, this is the 11th annual trip, it’s the best weekend of the year, every year.”

He said, “Ok have fun, but not to much fun without me :)”

I can’t deal with a guy using that many smiley faces, so I just stopped responding. After my wild weekend, I returned to cell service and 6 text messages from this man, all in the similar vein of “Hey, are you back yet?” No sir, I am not. And, clearly I wasn’t for the first 5 texts either.

On Tuesday, I responded, “Hey I’m back. Camping was great, but I’m still hurting.”

He said, “Does tomorrow night work for you?”

Me: “I’m not sure I might have a work event.”

Him: “Honey, you are cancelling our plans. No worries, when are you available?”

Me: “I’m not sure if my work event is tomorrow or Thursday, I have to check and let you know.”

Him: “Honey, I understand if you have things to do :)”

The next day…

Him: “Hey babe are you free tonight?”

Me: “Sorry my work event is tomorrow night, but my friend just called me and asked if I could try bridesmaids dresses on with her tonight :/”

Him: “You keep cancelling! Are you real? Or do you just like to play games!”

Me: “I’m real and I don’t like games. I’m just busy, and these things keep popping up.”

Him: “Wedding does not pop up! You are shaking my trust! Just letting you know! I understand if you are not interested but just don’t lead me on! That’s not cool!!!” Three exclamations. He was serious.

Me: “Listen, my best friend just called and asked me to meet her after work to try on dresses because she needs to make a decision and can’t get everyone together. Am I supposed to just be like no, sorry? And, I have a going-away party for a coworker tomorrow that I initially thought was supposed to be today.  I don’t play games but like relax, you haven’t even met me yet.”

Him: “Ok when are you available??”

Me: “I can probably do next Monday or Tuesday.”

Him: “Fuck that! You are full of shit!”

Me: “Ok, whatever. I’m kinda over this.”

Him: “I don’t believe you!”

Me: “So don’t? What do you want me to tell you- I’m not gunna argue with someone I don’t know over my social life.”

Him: (in a series of 5 texts): “You are not honest! I’m not a big fan of dishonest girls! You keep coming out with excuses! You said we def will meet up on Monday after your annual camping-“

(I def never said this because I don’t even get home until Monday evening and I’m in no condition to move off my couch)

Him (again): “Then, you said Wednesday! And, now next week!!!!!” Five exclamation points this time. He meant business.

Him (still): “You don’t have to know me!!! Do you really respect yourself???” Apparently if you have to break plans, even only once, it’s because you don’t respect yourself. This one took a lot for me to not respond to.

Him (even more): “Words come out of humans mouths not their ass!”

I didn’t respond to any of this ridiculousness. It really wasn’t worth my time. If you’re this psycho now before we’ve even met- can you imagine what he would be like as a boyfriend? I have a faint vision of being smacked around for working late on date night. Jeeeeezus.

So, he thought 2 hours was enough time for me to cool down.

Him (yet again): “Are we cool?”

No response from me. So, maybe almost 24 hours would be enough time.

Him (for the last time, thank god): “Honey :)”

What a perfect way to end that scary ass text-ship.

Are there any guys out there who are just plain normal?

I have no morals, therefore I have no moral for this story. Please just fucking stop with the smiley faces. And, don’t call me “Honey,” Asshole.

16 Steps to Getting Over a Guy

21 May

As I was in the process of trying not to think about the latest douchelord that I’ve been quasi-dating, I started to think about all of the crazy things we do to get over a guy, and how they relate to the stages of grief.

I came up with this list of 16 steps to getting over a guy. Obviously, this isn’t professional advice, but the things that girls really do to make themselves feel better post-breakup.

Denial and Isolation
1. Analyze every detail of your relationship or lack thereof with your friends. Once it’s all out there, move the fuck on.
2. Make a list of pros and cons and realize that the 682 cons outweigh those 2 pros, no matter how big they are.
3. Whatever you do, DO NOT TEXT HIM. And, please stop with the morbid and depressed Facebook statuses. He doesn’t care and neither does anybody else, no matter how many “What’s wrong?” comments you may get.

Anger
4. Wish death and incurable diseases on him
5. Laugh about his weird habits and body parts with your friends. This is totally acceptable as long as it’s amongst your best friends, and it’s not going to get back to him that you’ve been bad-mouthing him all over town.
6. Sign him up for gay porn.

Bargaining
7. Post Facebook statuses about how great your life is, how much fun you’re having etc.. even if you are dying on the inside. When you’re doing those “fun” things, make sure you are actually having fun, and stop thinking about him.
8. Stalk the girls he’s probably banging, used to bang or hopes to bang on Facebook because chances are you’re way prettier.
9. Make a deal with the devil or some higher power that you will give up chocolate if you can just find a new guy or your ex can just get hit by a bus.

Depression
10. Watch any Nicholas Sparks movie. Have a good ugly cry, then masturbate furiously (preferably to Ryan Gosling).
11. Listen to your super Emo, sappy love song playlist. Make sure to mix it up with a little Spice Girls because you can use some “Girl Power.”
12. Mope, stay in bed and cuddle with the stuffed animals that you normally keep hidden under your bed. This is only acceptable for 1 weekend max- anything longer and you’re going to get bed sores and fired from your job.
13. Binge eat and grow a wolf monkey. Because you can.

Acceptance
14. Shave your snatch and workout hardcore. You’re single now, and you never know where you’re going to find someone to take home. Plus, the next time you see your ex-douche, you want to make him drool.
15. Channel your rage and aggression into a new hobby like boxing or blogging about him on the Internet ☺
16. Find a new distraction or recycle and old one. The only way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

OkCupid Chronicles: The Undercover Offender Edition

20 May

A few weeks after my first online dating profile went up, I met Chris. He was the first person to message me that didn’t make me throw up in my mouth a little. We ended up messaging back and forth until 1am that night, and I gave him my number. He was about 5 years older than I was (which is exactly what I was looking for), a single dad (which I always find respectable), and seemed really sweet. He didn’t do any of the traditional online dating things I’m used to like asking for more pictures, pushing the sex/sexy talk too fast, and he actually seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me.

We’d exchange a few texts almost every day, and had plans to meet to watch a movie in the park. The Saturday before we were supposed to meet, at about 3am, I received a string of some of the most vulgar texts I have ever laid my eyes on.

Now I’m paraphrasing but the texts began with “I want to lick your wet, disgusting pussy, you dirty bitch…” and went on for about 10 pages. Now, you can probably tell that I’m not easily offended by my previous blog posts. I am definitely one of the most perverted people I know. So, please imagine how horrendous these texts were, if I sat there in some type of shocked disgust as I read them. I was rendered speechless even in the drunken state I was in.

Since it was a Saturday, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed maybe he was drunk dialing someone else. Those texts couldn’t have been meant for me. So, when he texted me the next day like nothing happened, I responded with “Ah I guess you had fun last night. I got some texts that I don’t think were meant for me.”

“No, they were.”

“Ew,” was all I said back, and I never talked to him again.

Still to this day, almost a year later, I get random late night texts from this guy- each one more revolting than the last.

You have never met me, but thank you for assuming by the looks of me that I am a dirty bitch with a wet, disgusting pussy. It’s bad enough that I almost had to sit through an entire movie with you (thank god it was a public place), but even worse, you are someone’s father, sir.

Only me. This can’t be real life.

*I still have a heart. Names have been changed.

That’s What She Said: Breaking Through the Noise of Online Dating

18 May

Checked out the awesome Internet Week NY panel on Wednesday, “That’s What She Said: Breaking Through the Noise of Online Dating,” and thought I’d share their tips for using basic Marketing 101 principles to find success in the world of online dating.

Identify Your Target Audience

Who are you looking to attract at the end of the day? Figure out who you are and what you want. Sit down and make a list of the qualities you’re looking for and the deal breakers that you don’t want. Make sure that you stick to the things that really are deal breakers, because dating one of them will always come back to bite you in the ass.

Choose Your Platform

You have to be in the right place to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right (even if it’s just for Right Now), so once you decide what type of person you’re looking for, your best bet is to find them where they’re already hanging out online. There are niche sites and apps out there for whatever you’re into: from sugar daddies and cheating on your spouse to dinner buddies and music lovers.

For example, if you’re looking to get married tomorrow, you should probably sign up for Match or eHarmony, while you might check out OkCupid or How About We for a more casual dating experience. And, if you have an insane cheese fetish, your best bet to find that special someone might be FetLife or something like it.

However, just because you’re looking to meet people online, doesn’t mean you have to stick to online dating sites. There are social networking apps and websites out there for people with any interest you can imagine- I have friends that have met via cycling apps, SoundCloud, Twitter and so much more. The possibilities are endless.

Develop Your Brand Voice

Once you find the platform, what do you say? The key is to speak to your target audience, while being consistent with who you are, and simultaneously standing out from the crowd.

  • Be Yourself
    Especially when it comes to photos, make sure they are recent, and that you include both a close-up and a full body shot. And for the love of bacon, please post photos that actually look like you. There’s nothing worse than showing up for a date to find the creature of the black lagoon lurking in a bar stool where the hot guy you’ve been messaging was supposed to be. That, my friends, is what we call False Advertising. Also, stay away from those “Myspace” and “Duck Face” photos, unless you want to come across as a piece of meat.
  • Stand Out From the Crowd
    “If someone could have your exact profile, it’s not yours. It’s a bad profile.”

    If you have one of these statements in your profile, go remove it immediately:

  1.  “I listen to everything except country music” No you don’t. Be specific.
  2. “I’m just an average guy/girl.” Who the hell wants someone that’s just average?
  3. “I love my family.” Doesn’t everyone?
  4. “My dog is the best.” No one cares.
  5. “The first thing people notice about me is…my eyes, my hair, my smile, my height.”
  • Talk to Your Target
    When it comes to messaging a potential “customer,” tailor your responses to their interests. “Hi, how are you?” just isn’t going to cut it. Talk about what they’ve mentioned in their profile, and keep the conversation going by asking questions. Include a link to something they’ll think is cool or funny. Do something to make your message unique, and to keep the conversation going, and chances are you’ll get a response back.

And, the last and final tip is whatever you do, don’t become this girl.

You can watch the entire panel here. If you have the time, I highly recommend checking it out. 

The Cure for a Bad Day

9 May

Today was a crap day. I woke up late. The rain left my hair frizzy and stuck to my face, and my stupid umbrella wouldn’t stay closed. Work sucked. Eh, you get the picture by now, don’t you? But just like that, my day turned around, and I thought I’d pass on the ingredients that cured my bad day.

  • Adam Levine. I brought it back to the early 2000’s on my commute home, and fantasized that I was Jane and Adam Levine and his delicious tattoos were singing only to me.
  • Free skincare products. One of our clients at work sent over my personalized skincare regimen worth over $100 for free! If it’s free, it’s for me.
  • Guacamole. Good fat makes me so happy.
  • A clean apartment. My roommate was nervous about the Knicks game, and when he’s nervous he cleans.
  • Serious eye sex with the Adonis that was jogging past my apartment.

And, now for the best part. I logged into my online dating profile, and I had 8 messages! That has to my all-time high for the number of messages in one day. I must be on the top of my game. So, I feel like I need to extend a personal thank you to each and every one of these men for reminding me exactly why my life is great, so here goes:

Thank you 350lb. man wearing spandex and stretching in a way no man should in every one of your photos.

Thank you gorgeous married man for choosing me to be a part of some weird sexcapade with you and your swinger wife.

Thank you guy who wonders if there is more to me than a pretty face.

Thank you 20-year-old baby for making me feel like a rapist while simultaneously boosting my self-esteem with your sweet and simple, “Cute.”

Thank you old enough to be my dad man for diving right in, giving me your digits and telling me you want to make babies.

Thank you awkward I’m going to message you multiple times before you respond guy.

Thank you sir, but I don’t speak Swahili or whatever language it is you are writing to me in.

Thank you guy who is surprised that no one has put a ring on it yet. So am I.

I can’t even make this stuff up. Welcome to my world. I hope this cheers you up as much as it did me.

Top 10 Things You Should Know About Online Dating

8 May

The day I came into work and announced my newfound singledom last year, my cube mates turned around and immediately forced me to embark on my next rite of passage: filling out my first online dating profile.

My fingers swiftly yet nimbly typed out the perfect self-description that was equal parts silly, sexy and sarcastic. My guy friends carefully selected photos that made just the right impression. And, I was actually kind of excited.

I had always been intrigued by the whole online dating thing, and had heard so many success stories.

However, all too soon I learned that the first rule of online dating is that no one talks about the perils of online dating.

Here are the Top 10 truths about online dating that no one talks about (in public):

1. Sarcasm doesn’t translate- it just makes you come off like a total bitch. And, no guy wants a girl who is funnier than he is.

2. Don’t be a bully. No one wants to fuck Francis.

3. Everyone loves to travel, and you should use your profile as a forum to brag about all of the exotic places you’ve been. Your annual family vacations to Wildwood, NJ won’t count.

4. Hiking. Just fucking stop. STOP! Unless you are King fucking Kong, no one likes hiking THAT much.

5. No matter how un-superficial you are in real life, you have to look at ALL of his photos first. Otherwise, you’re just going to get pissed off when you waste time reading a profile only to find out the guy is a “total Monet.”

6. Don’t think that the physical appearance and mental stability of the people messaging you coincide with your actual value. Know that 99% of the messages you receive will be from guys old enough to be your dad, ugly enough to be your dead dog or crazy enough to be chained up in a mental institution.

7. Playing 20 Questions with a date is a great way to find out 20 reasons why you’d never touch his dick.

8. Guys will find a way to stalk you, even if you’ve never met them, responded to their messages or glanced at their profile.

9. Guys will ask for your number, text you with “hey sexiness” once, and never answer you again. Was your “Hi” response too forward? Did he get hit by a truck? Did he drop his phone in the toilet bowl? Nope. He’s just a douchelord.

10. No one wants to see pictures of your pets. They’d rather see pictures of your genitals. But don’t get me started on all of you guys with your shirtless, underwear photos. It’s just like catcalling a girl on the street- does it ever really work? 

What have you learned about online dating that every female should know?


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