Tag Archives: Maroon 5

The Cure for a Bad Day

9 May

Today was a crap day. I woke up late. The rain left my hair frizzy and stuck to my face, and my stupid umbrella wouldn’t stay closed. Work sucked. Eh, you get the picture by now, don’t you? But just like that, my day turned around, and I thought I’d pass on the ingredients that cured my bad day.

  • Adam Levine. I brought it back to the early 2000’s on my commute home, and fantasized that I was Jane and Adam Levine and his delicious tattoos were singing only to me.
  • Free skincare products. One of our clients at work sent over my personalized skincare regimen worth over $100 for free! If it’s free, it’s for me.
  • Guacamole. Good fat makes me so happy.
  • A clean apartment. My roommate was nervous about the Knicks game, and when he’s nervous he cleans.
  • Serious eye sex with the Adonis that was jogging past my apartment.

And, now for the best part. I logged into my online dating profile, and I had 8 messages! That has to my all-time high for the number of messages in one day. I must be on the top of my game. So, I feel like I need to extend a personal thank you to each and every one of these men for reminding me exactly why my life is great, so here goes:

Thank you 350lb. man wearing spandex and stretching in a way no man should in every one of your photos.

Thank you gorgeous married man for choosing me to be a part of some weird sexcapade with you and your swinger wife.

Thank you guy who wonders if there is more to me than a pretty face.

Thank you 20-year-old baby for making me feel like a rapist while simultaneously boosting my self-esteem with your sweet and simple, “Cute.”

Thank you old enough to be my dad man for diving right in, giving me your digits and telling me you want to make babies.

Thank you awkward I’m going to message you multiple times before you respond guy.

Thank you sir, but I don’t speak Swahili or whatever language it is you are writing to me in.

Thank you guy who is surprised that no one has put a ring on it yet. So am I.

I can’t even make this stuff up. Welcome to my world. I hope this cheers you up as much as it did me.

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