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Top 10 Things You Should Know About Online Dating

8 May

The day I came into work and announced my newfound singledom last year, my cube mates turned around and immediately forced me to embark on my next rite of passage: filling out my first online dating profile.

My fingers swiftly yet nimbly typed out the perfect self-description that was equal parts silly, sexy and sarcastic. My guy friends carefully selected photos that made just the right impression. And, I was actually kind of excited.

I had always been intrigued by the whole online dating thing, and had heard so many success stories.

However, all too soon I learned that the first rule of online dating is that no one talks about the perils of online dating.

Here are the Top 10 truths about online dating that no one talks about (in public):

1. Sarcasm doesn’t translate- it just makes you come off like a total bitch. And, no guy wants a girl who is funnier than he is.

2. Don’t be a bully. No one wants to fuck Francis.

3. Everyone loves to travel, and you should use your profile as a forum to brag about all of the exotic places you’ve been. Your annual family vacations to Wildwood, NJ won’t count.

4. Hiking. Just fucking stop. STOP! Unless you are King fucking Kong, no one likes hiking THAT much.

5. No matter how un-superficial you are in real life, you have to look at ALL of his photos first. Otherwise, you’re just going to get pissed off when you waste time reading a profile only to find out the guy is a “total Monet.”

6. Don’t think that the physical appearance and mental stability of the people messaging you coincide with your actual value. Know that 99% of the messages you receive will be from guys old enough to be your dad, ugly enough to be your dead dog or crazy enough to be chained up in a mental institution.

7. Playing 20 Questions with a date is a great way to find out 20 reasons why you’d never touch his dick.

8. Guys will find a way to stalk you, even if you’ve never met them, responded to their messages or glanced at their profile.

9. Guys will ask for your number, text you with “hey sexiness” once, and never answer you again. Was your “Hi” response too forward? Did he get hit by a truck? Did he drop his phone in the toilet bowl? Nope. He’s just a douchelord.

10. No one wants to see pictures of your pets. They’d rather see pictures of your genitals. But don’t get me started on all of you guys with your shirtless, underwear photos. It’s just like catcalling a girl on the street- does it ever really work? 

What have you learned about online dating that every female should know?


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