Tag Archives: Sexuality

Tips For a Successful Friends With Benefits

19 Jun

Bone buddies, booty calls, friends with benefits- whatever you call it, a no-strings-attached relationship can be really convenient and fun if done the right way. Follow these tips to make sure you don’t fall in love, your fuck buddy doesn’t throw you a flash mob and your lack of a relationship is nothing short of satisfying

1. Make sure you’re cut out for this.You have to be able to separate sex from your emotions. Channel your inner ice queen, and get humpin.

2. Delicious yet undateable is the perfect combo. You want a guy who you dream about being naked in your bed, not at the dinner table next to your mom.

3. Your friend with benefits isn’t your friend. You should be acquaintances at best.

4. The only thing you should know intimately is his genitals.

5. Don’t talk or text before 10pm unless you’re meeting up for a lazy side bang before work in the morning.

6. This isn’t the movies, and you are NOT going to fall in love. Think about it- do you really want to tell the grandkids a fairytale where you fell for your fuck buddy?

7. You’re not a slut. Everyone has needs. Think of this guy as a glorified vibrator, just don’t talk about it. Your number isn’t multiplying, and steady sex with one guy is better than random one night stands with several guys.

8. Make sure your mancandy isn’t running his mouth around town either. Secret lives can be sexy, keep it that way.

9. You should see your favorite bartender more than you see your bone buddy..

10. Don’t diss your friends for him. EVER. Chicks before dicks no matter what.

11. Don’t stop dating. A friend with benefits is similar to a marathon of The Real Housewives– you watch it because it’s fun and passes the time, but there’s no real substance there. Remember you’re just biding your time until you find someone you ACTUALLY want to date.

12. Use Protection! You and your booty call don’t owe each other anything, so the last thing you want him to give you is a trip to the gyno.

13.  This is the one time you can actually say size matters. Find a fuck buddy who satisfies you!

14. You’re not cuddle buddies, and you’re not making love. Fuck his brains out, kick him out then spoon with your teddy bear.

15. All good things must come to an end. Have your fun, fulfill some fantasies, then cut it off before anyone gets hurt.

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Is a Bad Kisser a Dealbreaker?

14 May

I’ve always kinda believed that a guy who can’t kiss should be immediately kicked to the curb. If you can’t kiss, you can’t turn me on. If you can’t turn me on, you can’t get in my pants. It’s really as simple as that: a+b=c. Your sexual prowess rapidly dissipates with every horrible jab of your tongue.

However, my friend’s recent experience with a horrible kisser has inspired me to explore the different types of bad kisses, to find out when a makeout should be deemed a mistake and when it’s time to move on.

The Awkward First Kiss

Chances are you don’t know each other well. Hell, it might even be a sober first date. Maybe you bump heads, maybe you can’t find each other’s rhythm. Whatever happens, attribute it to nerves, laugh it off and try again. If you still can’t get it right, my advice is to give it the drunk test. If you guys can’t get it together when you’re shitballs drunk, chances are it’s just not meant to be.

The Tainted Ex

You’re recycling someone from your past. You hooked up, it was fun and for some reason you moved on. Now, because you’re some combination of drunk, horny, desperate and bored, you’ve come back to relive what never was. Remember that you moved on for a reason. If they were a bad kisser then, chances are they’re a bad kisser now so what the fuck are you doing? Stop it! However, if the kiss was a great but sucks now, chances are you’ve grown, matured or they’ve been tainted by their ex, so it’s definitely time to MOVE ON!

The Over Eager Son of a Bitch

This is the person that rushes in so hard they may break your nose. Then they proceed to rape your entire face with an interesting combo of drool, tongue and teeth. You’re left feeling uber violated with a fat lip and slobber dripping off your chin. I’m really not sure where this type of kisser learns their moves, but I can assure you they think you LOVE it. I can speak from experience that the guy who was literally licking the bottom of my chin thought that he really knew how to make my panties wet. He didn’t. This person will probably try to make you kiss like them, which could turn you into a “Tainted Ex”- so stay away!

 Blast from the Past

There are two types of kissers that can be grouped together because they remind me of one thing: the kissing I did in grammar school! The “Swirler” has never learned that it’s not okay to just stick your tongue in someone’s mouth and swirl it round and round in circles. The only thing worse than their helicopter kissing is the “Lizard”- the kisser who jabs their pointy tongue in and out of your mouth repeatedly like they’re trying to catch a fly. Now maybe I’m feeling a little nostalgic, because while I don’t condone this type of behavior, I think we can chalk this up to inexperience. They clearly don’t know any better, so it’s your job to teach them the right way. If there’s chemistry there, and this isn’t just a one night stand, I say stick around and get schoolin’.

The Lazy Asshole

This person either doesn’t use any tongue at all, which let’s face it is basically equivalent to dry humping with jeans on-completely pointless. Or, and this really grinds my gears, their tongue weighs down your mouth and doesn’t move. Somewhere along the line, they decided that resting their tongue on the bottom of your mouth was enough to turn you on. Run away from this lazy fuck screaming- if their kissing performance says anything about their sex life, you won’t ever be satisfied. Nobody likes a dead fish.

When is a bad kiss a dealbreaker for you?

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