Tag Archives: single

Is a Bad Kisser a Dealbreaker?

14 May

I’ve always kinda believed that a guy who can’t kiss should be immediately kicked to the curb. If you can’t kiss, you can’t turn me on. If you can’t turn me on, you can’t get in my pants. It’s really as simple as that: a+b=c. Your sexual prowess rapidly dissipates with every horrible jab of your tongue.

However, my friend’s recent experience with a horrible kisser has inspired me to explore the different types of bad kisses, to find out when a makeout should be deemed a mistake and when it’s time to move on.

The Awkward First Kiss

Chances are you don’t know each other well. Hell, it might even be a sober first date. Maybe you bump heads, maybe you can’t find each other’s rhythm. Whatever happens, attribute it to nerves, laugh it off and try again. If you still can’t get it right, my advice is to give it the drunk test. If you guys can’t get it together when you’re shitballs drunk, chances are it’s just not meant to be.

The Tainted Ex

You’re recycling someone from your past. You hooked up, it was fun and for some reason you moved on. Now, because you’re some combination of drunk, horny, desperate and bored, you’ve come back to relive what never was. Remember that you moved on for a reason. If they were a bad kisser then, chances are they’re a bad kisser now so what the fuck are you doing? Stop it! However, if the kiss was a great but sucks now, chances are you’ve grown, matured or they’ve been tainted by their ex, so it’s definitely time to MOVE ON!

The Over Eager Son of a Bitch

This is the person that rushes in so hard they may break your nose. Then they proceed to rape your entire face with an interesting combo of drool, tongue and teeth. You’re left feeling uber violated with a fat lip and slobber dripping off your chin. I’m really not sure where this type of kisser learns their moves, but I can assure you they think you LOVE it. I can speak from experience that the guy who was literally licking the bottom of my chin thought that he really knew how to make my panties wet. He didn’t. This person will probably try to make you kiss like them, which could turn you into a “Tainted Ex”- so stay away!

 Blast from the Past

There are two types of kissers that can be grouped together because they remind me of one thing: the kissing I did in grammar school! The “Swirler” has never learned that it’s not okay to just stick your tongue in someone’s mouth and swirl it round and round in circles. The only thing worse than their helicopter kissing is the “Lizard”- the kisser who jabs their pointy tongue in and out of your mouth repeatedly like they’re trying to catch a fly. Now maybe I’m feeling a little nostalgic, because while I don’t condone this type of behavior, I think we can chalk this up to inexperience. They clearly don’t know any better, so it’s your job to teach them the right way. If there’s chemistry there, and this isn’t just a one night stand, I say stick around and get schoolin’.

The Lazy Asshole

This person either doesn’t use any tongue at all, which let’s face it is basically equivalent to dry humping with jeans on-completely pointless. Or, and this really grinds my gears, their tongue weighs down your mouth and doesn’t move. Somewhere along the line, they decided that resting their tongue on the bottom of your mouth was enough to turn you on. Run away from this lazy fuck screaming- if their kissing performance says anything about their sex life, you won’t ever be satisfied. Nobody likes a dead fish.

When is a bad kiss a dealbreaker for you?

The Cure for a Bad Day

9 May

Today was a crap day. I woke up late. The rain left my hair frizzy and stuck to my face, and my stupid umbrella wouldn’t stay closed. Work sucked. Eh, you get the picture by now, don’t you? But just like that, my day turned around, and I thought I’d pass on the ingredients that cured my bad day.

  • Adam Levine. I brought it back to the early 2000’s on my commute home, and fantasized that I was Jane and Adam Levine and his delicious tattoos were singing only to me.
  • Free skincare products. One of our clients at work sent over my personalized skincare regimen worth over $100 for free! If it’s free, it’s for me.
  • Guacamole. Good fat makes me so happy.
  • A clean apartment. My roommate was nervous about the Knicks game, and when he’s nervous he cleans.
  • Serious eye sex with the Adonis that was jogging past my apartment.

And, now for the best part. I logged into my online dating profile, and I had 8 messages! That has to my all-time high for the number of messages in one day. I must be on the top of my game. So, I feel like I need to extend a personal thank you to each and every one of these men for reminding me exactly why my life is great, so here goes:

Thank you 350lb. man wearing spandex and stretching in a way no man should in every one of your photos.

Thank you gorgeous married man for choosing me to be a part of some weird sexcapade with you and your swinger wife.

Thank you guy who wonders if there is more to me than a pretty face.

Thank you 20-year-old baby for making me feel like a rapist while simultaneously boosting my self-esteem with your sweet and simple, “Cute.”

Thank you old enough to be my dad man for diving right in, giving me your digits and telling me you want to make babies.

Thank you awkward I’m going to message you multiple times before you respond guy.

Thank you sir, but I don’t speak Swahili or whatever language it is you are writing to me in.

Thank you guy who is surprised that no one has put a ring on it yet. So am I.

I can’t even make this stuff up. Welcome to my world. I hope this cheers you up as much as it did me.

The Brides Have Gone WILD!

7 May

The apocalypse is near. An epidemic is wiping out millions of 20- and 30-somethings worldwide, and it’s headed for a social circle near you. That’s right, if it hasn’t started yet, your friends are going to start getting engaged. And, when the wedding bug bites, it bites HARD. Once that diamond slides onto her left finger, get ready for the bat shit craziness to begin.

It’s like Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones seemingly appear from nowhere to neuralize them and erase all memory of their single lives. Then, these corpse brides roam the streets, eating all of the single girls in their path alive.

In her 1962 book, Sex and the Single Girl, Helen Gurly Brown wrote, “I think a single woman’s biggest problem is coping with the people who are trying to marry her off.” It’s so sad that this is still true 50 years later.

C’mon ladies, this isn’t the era where you’re spending your days frying pork chops in the kitchen and serving your husband and his coworkers Old Fashioneds in the sitting room. I’m no feminist, but where have all the strong, independent women gone? Does your sparkly ring blind you into believing that a man is the only thing that can make you happy?

Now, it’s not all of you, and I’m absolutely generalizing here, but I would like to extend this question to all of you newly engaged and married women out there: What the FUCK is wrong with you?

I understand that you found your Prince Charming, and he “completes you.” And, I’m happy for you. Really, I am. I’m NOT jealous. You’re happy- possibly happier than you’ve ever been in your life. I get it. However, just because I don’t have a boyfriend, doesn’t mean that I’m unhappy.

I’m so sick and tired of the pity dates and the “Your life will get better/it will happen for you” inspirational speeches. Frankly, I don’t care if it happens for me. And, every time that I bring a random man home from a bar, ravage him, then kick him out without cuddling, I KNOW “my life is looking up.”

I’m 27 years old- my eggs aren’t shriveling, and my biological clock isn’t ticking all that fast. Let’s face it- I couldn’t be trusted to be someone’s mom right now, anyway. I have an awesome career, and even better friends and family. I’m having mind blowing, no-strings-attached sex with someone whose dick is more closely related to a horse than a hotdog. And, I don’t have to answer to anyone but myself. So, please tell me, what is there to be unhappy about?

Now, I’m not asking you to come to my “I’m Still Single” party, and I’m not asking you to drain your bank accounts to shower me with lavish gifts and toast me with expensive champagne. I’m just asking for you to stop lecturing me about finding love, as if you have a PhD in fairytale romances. Stop asking me if I’m ever going to get a boyfriend again, because just to horrify you- I’m going to tell you NO. Hell, I may even bring a chick as my pity date to your wedding if you keep it up. And, for the love of BACON please stop throwing me at every single guy you meet, just because we’re both “single.” Do you really think the guy with offensive B.O, bad teeth and no job is really the best catch I can get?

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