Tips For a Successful Friends With Benefits

Bone buddies, booty calls, friends with benefits- whatever you call it, a no-strings-attached relationship can be really convenient and fun if done the right way. Follow these tips to make sure you don’t fall in love, your fuck buddy doesn’t throw you a flash mob and your lack of a relationship is nothing short of satisfying

1. Make sure you’re cut out for this.You have to be able to separate sex from your emotions. Channel your inner ice queen, and get humpin.

2. Delicious yet undateable is the perfect combo. You want a guy who you dream about being naked in your bed, not at the dinner table next to your mom.

3. Your friend with benefits isn’t your friend. You should be acquaintances at best.

4. The only thing you should know intimately is his genitals.

5. Don’t talk or text before 10pm unless you’re meeting up for a lazy side bang before work in the morning.

6. This isn’t the movies, and you are NOT going to fall in love. Think about it- do you really want to tell the grandkids a fairytale where you fell for your fuck buddy?

7. You’re not a slut. Everyone has needs. Think of this guy as a glorified vibrator, just don’t talk about it. Your number isn’t multiplying, and steady sex with one guy is better than random one night stands with several guys.

8. Make sure your mancandy isn’t running his mouth around town either. Secret lives can be sexy, keep it that way.

9. You should see your favorite bartender more than you see your bone buddy..

10. Don’t diss your friends for him. EVER. Chicks before dicks no matter what.

11. Don’t stop dating. A friend with benefits is similar to a marathon of The Real Housewives– you watch it because it’s fun and passes the time, but there’s no real substance there. Remember you’re just biding your time until you find someone you ACTUALLY want to date.

12. Use Protection! You and your booty call don’t owe each other anything, so the last thing you want him to give you is a trip to the gyno.

13.  This is the one time you can actually say size matters. Find a fuck buddy who satisfies you!

14. You’re not cuddle buddies, and you’re not making love. Fuck his brains out, kick him out then spoon with your teddy bear.

15. All good things must come to an end. Have your fun, fulfill some fantasies, then cut it off before anyone gets hurt.

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OkCupid Chronicles: The Hi, You’re Fucking Insane Edition

I know I’ve been M.I.A. since MDW, but I think I’ve been recooperating since then. Just because I’ve been struggling to become a human again doesn’t mean I have any shortage of material- in fact it’s just the opposite. Too many stories, too little time to write. Anywho, I’m back for good, or until I go on a long weekend bender again.

I brought this one upon myself. Kinda. I was bored in bed one night browsing OKC and came across “Insane Andy.” He was cute and his profile was semi-interesting, so I messaged him. I got a response back almost immediately, which should’ve tipped me off, but it didn’t.

We exchanged messages back and forth, and I eventually gave him the lucky 10. He wanted to meet for drinks, and you should know by now that I never turn down a boozertunity, so I was down. However, I was going away for Memorial Day weekend, and he was going to have to wait until I returned. 

While on the road on Friday, he texts me with “Honey, how is your Friday?” First of all, no one should ever call someone they’ve never met “Honey.” Calling me “honey” is right up there with trying to hold my hand on a first date, and right behind “Ma” on the list of pet names I despise. I fucking hate it. That was strike one.

I remind him that I’m going camping and will not have reception until Monday. He says “Oh no, I thought we were going to spend the whole weekend together? :(”

I hoped I was reading humor and sarcasm in that message, so I said, “Sorry, this is the 11^th annual trip, it’s the best weekend of the year, every year.”

He said, “Ok have fun, but not to much fun without me :)”

I can’t deal with a guy using that many smiley faces, so I just stopped responding. After my wild weekend, I returned to cell service and 6 text messages from this man, all in the similar vein of “Hey, are you back yet?” No sir, I am not. And, clearly I wasn’t for the first 5 texts either.

On Tuesday, I responded, “Hey I’m back. Camping was great, but I’m still hurting.”

He said, “Does tomorrow night work for you?”

Me: “I’m not sure I might have a work event.”

Him: “Honey, you are cancelling our plans. No worries, when are you available?”

Me: “I’m not sure if my work event is tomorrow or Thursday, I have to check and let you know.”

Him: “Honey, I understand if you have things to do :)”

The next day…

Him: “Hey babe are you free tonight?”

Me: “Sorry my work event is tomorrow night, but my friend just called me and asked if I could try bridesmaids dresses on with her tonight :/”

Him: “You keep cancelling! Are you real? Or do you just like to play games!”

Me: “I’m real and I don’t like games. I’m just busy, and these things keep popping up.”

Him: “Wedding does not pop up! You are shaking my trust! Just letting you know! I understand if you are not interested but just don’t lead me on! That’s not cool!!!” Three exclamations. He was serious.

Me: “Listen, my best friend just called and asked me to meet her after work to try on dresses because she needs to make a decision and can’t get everyone together. Am I supposed to just be like no, sorry? And, I have a going-away party for a coworker tomorrow that I initially thought was supposed to be today.  I don’t play games but like relax, you haven’t even met me yet.”

Him: “Ok when are you available??”

Me: “I can probably do next Monday or Tuesday.”

Him: “Fuck that! You are full of shit!”

Me: “Ok, whatever. I’m kinda over this.”

Him: “I don’t believe you!”

Me: “So don’t? What do you want me to tell you- I’m not gunna argue with someone I don’t know over my social life.”

Him: (in a series of 5 texts): “You are not honest! I’m not a big fan of dishonest girls! You keep coming out with excuses! You said we def will meet up on Monday after your annual camping-“

(I def never said this because I don’t even get home until Monday evening and I’m in no condition to move off my couch)

Him (again): “Then, you said Wednesday! And, now next week!!!!!” Five exclamation points this time. He meant business.

Him (still): “You don’t have to know me!!! Do you really respect yourself???” Apparently if you have to break plans, even only once, it’s because you don’t respect yourself. This one took a lot for me to not respond to.

Him (even more): “Words come out of humans mouths not their ass!”

I didn’t respond to any of this ridiculousness. It really wasn’t worth my time. If you’re this psycho now before we’ve even met- can you imagine what he would be like as a boyfriend? I have a faint vision of being smacked around for working late on date night. Jeeeeezus.

So, he thought 2 hours was enough time for me to cool down.

Him (yet again): “Are we cool?”

No response from me. So, maybe almost 24 hours would be enough time.

Him (for the last time, thank god): “Honey :)”

What a perfect way to end that scary ass text-ship.

Are there any guys out there who are just plain normal?

I have no morals, therefore I have no moral for this story. Please just fucking stop with the smiley faces. And, don’t call me “Honey,” Asshole.

Rockstars are Overrated

This wasn’t the proudest moment of my life. The bar I was working at got struck by lightning and burned down. Yeah, that actually happened. Needless to say, I was living off the McDonald’s Dollar Menu and scraping change out of my broken futon to support my alcohol addiction.

My crazy cokehead coworker, who was an even bigger mess than I was, got me a job bartending the happy hour shift deep in the depths of hell. We’re talkin’ a bar straight outta the movie From Dusk till Dawn only instead of vampires, I was left to fend off old men, toothless crackheads and the swinger couple who tried absolutely everything to take me home with them. I would work four hours, have like 3 customers and make more drinks for myself than anyone else. By 8pm I would stumble out of there rip-roaring, shitballs drunk just in time for the ultimate motorcycle mama to take over all of the tabs I started, and collect the remainder of my tips.

Friday nights were actually fairly busy at Hogs n’ Heffers Heaven, and nothing could beat the nights when they had a cover band. On this particular night, it was a good one. Bossman was spending the big bucks. He asked Cokeslore and I to hang around in case Motorcycle Mama couldn’t hack it. I knew that bitch would never share her tips with us, but I didn’t care because we were getting paid to drink for free.

My happy hour shift had been busier than usual, and all I heard the entire shift was that the lead singer was hot and looked just like Derek Jeter. I brushed it off because let’s face it, these broads probably would have thought Big Foot was sexy if he came sauntering in on a Saturday night. They weren’t exactly the most credible sources. Plus, I’m more of an A-Rod kind of girl, anyway.

However, these hags weren’t kidding. With his tan skin, icy blue eyes and backwards Yankees hat, “DJ” looked just like the Yankees shortstop, except he didn’t have that horrendous flat top haircut. He was HOTTT, and he knew it. So I did what I do best, I ignored him.

It turned out to be a packed house, and the thugs, bikers and crackheads were actually getting along. Cokeslore and I were having a grand old time slugging vodka, shaking our asses and watching every girl at the bar throw herself at the lead singer. I felt his eyes burning into me, but I just assumed it was part of his act to eye fuck every girl in the bar. He either saw me as a challenge or a safe place because I wasn’t giving him the time of day.

It was nearing the end of the night, and the band started to play Hinder’s “Lips of an Angel,” which was probably the most popular song on the radio at the time. Tell me why DJ broke through the sea of vaginas to drag me from the bar back to his mock-stage. He proceeded to serenade me in front of everyone! At the time, it was embarrassingly sexy. His voice. Being serenaded. The jealous looks of everyone else in the bar. OMG. Not to mention, the lead singer of a band is at the very top of my “Fuck-It List.”

As I look back on it now, the song is about cheating on his girlfriend with some hot broad with angelic lips. So romantical. But of course, that’s my life. After the show was over, DJ, his band, Cokeslore and I conversated over some cocktails before we moved on to an afterparty, and the band went to tend to some leftover groupies. I definitely didn’t give DJ my number, as a matter of fact, I’m not sure that I even told him my name. If he wanted to talk to me, he’d figure it out.

I woke up the next afternoon to a brutal hangover and a Myspace message from DJ. Yes, Myspace was super cool back then, and no, I still to this day have no idea how he found me. #Stalkerstatus. I’m not gunna lie though- I was souped. This guy was hot, he could sing and he was stalking my social networks to see me again. So I brushed my shoulders off, and made plans to meet him for drinks.

The first night we met for drinks was a bit of a drunken blur. We drank, A LOT. Then we made out, A LOT. We talked mostly about his band, which was cool I guess. We texted back and forth, and met for drinks a couple more times. He invited me to his shows, but I declined because I found it weird to watch a bunch of girls throw themselves at him.

One night, DJ took me to dinner. I knew this would be the night that I gave it up. He opened doors and pulled out my chair, but that’s about where everything took a turn for the worst. He decided to order for me while I was in the bathroom, and I definitely didn’t tell him what I wanted to eat. Then, since this was the first time I was totally sober, I realized that all he talked about was himself. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Every time I tried to join the conversation, he’d interrupt me with another story about how awesome he was. Because not only did he selfishly talk about himself the ENTIRE night, but he talked about how GREAT he was the entire night. It was nauseating.

I wanted to cross this one off my Fuck-It List, so I had my eyes on the prize. I downed a couple of drinks, and it was finally time to go back to my place.

I made sure my roommate wouldn’t be home, so we wasted no time getting to business. We burst through the door kissing furiously, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other through the kitchen, and by the time we got to my bedroom, we were ripping each other’s clothes off.

That’s when I realized that Mr. Rockstar’s obsession with himself extended into the bedroom. Let’s just say Oz saying “Suck me beautiful,” in American Pie would’ve been a billion times sexier than how DJ tried to get me in the mood.

I was already having my doubts when I saw it. His baby dick, or lack there of one. Size isn’t something that typically matters to me, especially in the heat of the moment, but this thing was SCARY. I was contemplating whether it could possibly be inverted, when I decided there was no way in hell I was going through with this.

I did what any rational girl in my situation would do- I played drunk. I told him I was way too drunk and he needed to get out. NOW. I threw his jeans at him, pushed him out the front door, waited 5 minutes and left to meet my roommate for drinks. DJ and I never spoke again.

The moral of this story is not that if you have a shrimpy schlong you will get kicked out of a girl’s bed the minute you let her see it. It’s that a person like that is never going to love anyone as much as they love themselves. Rockstars are used to the instant gratification of women throwing themselves at them night after night. They don’t need to worry or care if they are getting you off, because it’s on to the next one tomorrow. And, chances are their love of that giant microphone pole is overcompensation for what they’re lacking in their pants.

 

16 Steps to Getting Over a Guy

As I was in the process of trying not to think about the latest douchelord that I’ve been quasi-dating, I started to think about all of the crazy things we do to get over a guy, and how they relate to the stages of grief.

I came up with this list of 16 steps to getting over a guy. Obviously, this isn’t professional advice, but the things that girls really do to make themselves feel better post-breakup.

Denial and Isolation
1. Analyze every detail of your relationship or lack thereof with your friends. Once it’s all out there, move the fuck on.
2. Make a list of pros and cons and realize that the 682 cons outweigh those 2 pros, no matter how big they are.
3. Whatever you do, DO NOT TEXT HIM. And, please stop with the morbid and depressed Facebook statuses. He doesn’t care and neither does anybody else, no matter how many “What’s wrong?” comments you may get.

Anger
4. Wish death and incurable diseases on him
5. Laugh about his weird habits and body parts with your friends. This is totally acceptable as long as it’s amongst your best friends, and it’s not going to get back to him that you’ve been bad-mouthing him all over town.
6. Sign him up for gay porn.

Bargaining
7. Post Facebook statuses about how great your life is, how much fun you’re having etc.. even if you are dying on the inside. When you’re doing those “fun” things, make sure you are actually having fun, and stop thinking about him.
8. Stalk the girls he’s probably banging, used to bang or hopes to bang on Facebook because chances are you’re way prettier.
9. Make a deal with the devil or some higher power that you will give up chocolate if you can just find a new guy or your ex can just get hit by a bus.

Depression
10. Watch any Nicholas Sparks movie. Have a good ugly cry, then masturbate furiously (preferably to Ryan Gosling).
11. Listen to your super Emo, sappy love song playlist. Make sure to mix it up with a little Spice Girls because you can use some “Girl Power.”
12. Mope, stay in bed and cuddle with the stuffed animals that you normally keep hidden under your bed. This is only acceptable for 1 weekend max- anything longer and you’re going to get bed sores and fired from your job.
13. Binge eat and grow a wolf monkey. Because you can.

Acceptance
14. Shave your snatch and workout hardcore. You’re single now, and you never know where you’re going to find someone to take home. Plus, the next time you see your ex-douche, you want to make him drool.
15. Channel your rage and aggression into a new hobby like boxing or blogging about him on the Internet ☺
16. Find a new distraction or recycle and old one. The only way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

OkCupid Chronicles: The Undercover Offender Edition

A few weeks after my first online dating profile went up, I met Chris. He was the first person to message me that didn’t make me throw up in my mouth a little. We ended up messaging back and forth until 1am that night, and I gave him my number. He was about 5 years older than I was (which is exactly what I was looking for), a single dad (which I always find respectable), and seemed really sweet. He didn’t do any of the traditional online dating things I’m used to like asking for more pictures, pushing the sex/sexy talk too fast, and he actually seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me.

We’d exchange a few texts almost every day, and had plans to meet to watch a movie in the park. The Saturday before we were supposed to meet, at about 3am, I received a string of some of the most vulgar texts I have ever laid my eyes on.

Now I’m paraphrasing but the texts began with “I want to lick your wet, disgusting pussy, you dirty bitch…” and went on for about 10 pages. Now, you can probably tell that I’m not easily offended by my previous blog posts. I am definitely one of the most perverted people I know. So, please imagine how horrendous these texts were, if I sat there in some type of shocked disgust as I read them. I was rendered speechless even in the drunken state I was in.

Since it was a Saturday, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed maybe he was drunk dialing someone else. Those texts couldn’t have been meant for me. So, when he texted me the next day like nothing happened, I responded with “Ah I guess you had fun last night. I got some texts that I don’t think were meant for me.”

“No, they were.”

“Ew,” was all I said back, and I never talked to him again.

Still to this day, almost a year later, I get random late night texts from this guy- each one more revolting than the last.

You have never met me, but thank you for assuming by the looks of me that I am a dirty bitch with a wet, disgusting pussy. It’s bad enough that I almost had to sit through an entire movie with you (thank god it was a public place), but even worse, you are someone’s father, sir.

Only me. This can’t be real life.

*I still have a heart. Names have been changed.

That’s What She Said: Breaking Through the Noise of Online Dating

Checked out the awesome Internet Week NY panel on Wednesday, “That’s What She Said: Breaking Through the Noise of Online Dating,” and thought I’d share their tips for using basic Marketing 101 principles to find success in the world of online dating.

Identify Your Target Audience

Who are you looking to attract at the end of the day? Figure out who you are and what you want. Sit down and make a list of the qualities you’re looking for and the deal breakers that you don’t want. Make sure that you stick to the things that really are deal breakers, because dating one of them will always come back to bite you in the ass.

Choose Your Platform

You have to be in the right place to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right (even if it’s just for Right Now), so once you decide what type of person you’re looking for, your best bet is to find them where they’re already hanging out online. There are niche sites and apps out there for whatever you’re into: from sugar daddies and cheating on your spouse to dinner buddies and music lovers.

For example, if you’re looking to get married tomorrow, you should probably sign up for Match or eHarmony, while you might check out OkCupid or How About We for a more casual dating experience. And, if you have an insane cheese fetish, your best bet to find that special someone might be FetLife or something like it.

However, just because you’re looking to meet people online, doesn’t mean you have to stick to online dating sites. There are social networking apps and websites out there for people with any interest you can imagine- I have friends that have met via cycling apps, SoundCloud, Twitter and so much more. The possibilities are endless.

Develop Your Brand Voice

Once you find the platform, what do you say? The key is to speak to your target audience, while being consistent with who you are, and simultaneously standing out from the crowd.

• Be Yourself
  Especially when it comes to photos, make sure they are recent, and that you include both a close-up and a full body shot. And for the love of bacon, please post photos that actually look like you. There’s nothing worse than showing up for a date to find the creature of the black lagoon lurking in a bar stool where the hot guy you’ve been messaging was supposed to be. That, my friends, is what we call False Advertising. Also, stay away from those “Myspace” and “Duck Face” photos, unless you want to come across as a piece of meat.

• Stand Out From the Crowd
  “If someone could have your exact profile, it’s not yours. It’s a bad profile.”

  If you have one of these statements in your profile, go remove it immediately:

1.  “I listen to everything except country music” No you don’t. Be specific.
2. “I’m just an average guy/girl.” Who the hell wants someone that’s just average?
3. “I love my family.” Doesn’t everyone?
4. “My dog is the best.” No one cares.
5. “The first thing people notice about me is…my eyes, my hair, my smile, my height.”

• Talk to Your Target
  When it comes to messaging a potential “customer,” tailor your responses to their interests. “Hi, how are you?” just isn’t going to cut it. Talk about what they’ve mentioned in their profile, and keep the conversation going by asking questions. Include a link to something they’ll think is cool or funny. Do something to make your message unique, and to keep the conversation going, and chances are you’ll get a response back.

And, the last and final tip is whatever you do, don’t become this girl.

You can watch the entire panel here. If you have the time, I highly recommend checking it out. 

Is a Bad Kisser a Dealbreaker?

I’ve always kinda believed that a guy who can’t kiss should be immediately kicked to the curb. If you can’t kiss, you can’t turn me on. If you can’t turn me on, you can’t get in my pants. It’s really as simple as that: a+b=c. Your sexual prowess rapidly dissipates with every horrible jab of your tongue.

However, my friend’s recent experience with a horrible kisser has inspired me to explore the different types of bad kisses, to find out when a makeout should be deemed a mistake and when it’s time to move on.

The Awkward First Kiss

Chances are you don’t know each other well. Hell, it might even be a sober first date. Maybe you bump heads, maybe you can’t find each other’s rhythm. Whatever happens, attribute it to nerves, laugh it off and try again. If you still can’t get it right, my advice is to give it the drunk test. If you guys can’t get it together when you’re shitballs drunk, chances are it’s just not meant to be.

The Tainted Ex

You’re recycling someone from your past. You hooked up, it was fun and for some reason you moved on. Now, because you’re some combination of drunk, horny, desperate and bored, you’ve come back to relive what never was. Remember that you moved on for a reason. If they were a bad kisser then, chances are they’re a bad kisser now so what the fuck are you doing? Stop it! However, if the kiss was a great but sucks now, chances are you’ve grown, matured or they’ve been tainted by their ex, so it’s definitely time to MOVE ON!

The Over Eager Son of a Bitch

This is the person that rushes in so hard they may break your nose. Then they proceed to rape your entire face with an interesting combo of drool, tongue and teeth. You’re left feeling uber violated with a fat lip and slobber dripping off your chin. I’m really not sure where this type of kisser learns their moves, but I can assure you they think you LOVE it. I can speak from experience that the guy who was literally licking the bottom of my chin thought that he really knew how to make my panties wet. He didn’t. This person will probably try to make you kiss like them, which could turn you into a “Tainted Ex”- so stay away!

 Blast from the Past

There are two types of kissers that can be grouped together because they remind me of one thing: the kissing I did in grammar school! The “Swirler” has never learned that it’s not okay to just stick your tongue in someone’s mouth and swirl it round and round in circles. The only thing worse than their helicopter kissing is the “Lizard”- the kisser who jabs their pointy tongue in and out of your mouth repeatedly like they’re trying to catch a fly. Now maybe I’m feeling a little nostalgic, because while I don’t condone this type of behavior, I think we can chalk this up to inexperience. They clearly don’t know any better, so it’s your job to teach them the right way. If there’s chemistry there, and this isn’t just a one night stand, I say stick around and get schoolin’.

The Lazy Asshole

This person either doesn’t use any tongue at all, which let’s face it is basically equivalent to dry humping with jeans on-completely pointless. Or, and this really grinds my gears, their tongue weighs down your mouth and doesn’t move. Somewhere along the line, they decided that resting their tongue on the bottom of your mouth was enough to turn you on. Run away from this lazy fuck screaming- if their kissing performance says anything about their sex life, you won’t ever be satisfied. Nobody likes a dead fish.

When is a bad kiss a dealbreaker for you?

The Cure for a Bad Day

Today was a crap day. I woke up late. The rain left my hair frizzy and stuck to my face, and my stupid umbrella wouldn’t stay closed. Work sucked. Eh, you get the picture by now, don’t you? But just like that, my day turned around, and I thought I’d pass on the ingredients that cured my bad day.

• Adam Levine. I brought it back to the early 2000’s on my commute home, and fantasized that I was Jane and Adam Levine and his delicious tattoos were singing only to me.
• Free skincare products. One of our clients at work sent over my personalized skincare regimen worth over $100 for free! If it’s free, it’s for me.
• Guacamole. Good fat makes me so happy.
• A clean apartment. My roommate was nervous about the Knicks game, and when he’s nervous he cleans.
• Serious eye sex with the Adonis that was jogging past my apartment.

And, now for the best part. I logged into my online dating profile, and I had 8 messages! That has to my all-time high for the number of messages in one day. I must be on the top of my game. So, I feel like I need to extend a personal thank you to each and every one of these men for reminding me exactly why my life is great, so here goes:

Thank you 350lb. man wearing spandex and stretching in a way no man should in every one of your photos.

Thank you gorgeous married man for choosing me to be a part of some weird sexcapade with you and your swinger wife.

Thank you guy who wonders if there is more to me than a pretty face.

Thank you 20-year-old baby for making me feel like a rapist while simultaneously boosting my self-esteem with your sweet and simple, “Cute.”

Thank you old enough to be my dad man for diving right in, giving me your digits and telling me you want to make babies.

Thank you awkward I’m going to message you multiple times before you respond guy.

Thank you sir, but I don’t speak Swahili or whatever language it is you are writing to me in.

Thank you guy who is surprised that no one has put a ring on it yet. So am I.

I can’t even make this stuff up. Welcome to my world. I hope this cheers you up as much as it did me.

Top 10 Things You Should Know About Online Dating

The day I came into work and announced my newfound singledom last year, my cube mates turned around and immediately forced me to embark on my next rite of passage: filling out my first online dating profile.

My fingers swiftly yet nimbly typed out the perfect self-description that was equal parts silly, sexy and sarcastic. My guy friends carefully selected photos that made just the right impression. And, I was actually kind of excited.

I had always been intrigued by the whole online dating thing, and had heard so many success stories.

However, all too soon I learned that the first rule of online dating is that no one talks about the perils of online dating.

Here are the Top 10 truths about online dating that no one talks about (in public):

1. Sarcasm doesn’t translate- it just makes you come off like a total bitch. And, no guy wants a girl who is funnier than he is.

2. Don’t be a bully. No one wants to fuck Francis.

3. Everyone loves to travel, and you should use your profile as a forum to brag about all of the exotic places you’ve been. Your annual family vacations to Wildwood, NJ won’t count.

4. Hiking. Just fucking stop. STOP! Unless you are King fucking Kong, no one likes hiking THAT much.

5. No matter how un-superficial you are in real life, you have to look at ALL of his photos first. Otherwise, you’re just going to get pissed off when you waste time reading a profile only to find out the guy is a “total Monet.”

6. Don’t think that the physical appearance and mental stability of the people messaging you coincide with your actual value. Know that 99% of the messages you receive will be from guys old enough to be your dad, ugly enough to be your dead dog or crazy enough to be chained up in a mental institution.

7. Playing 20 Questions with a date is a great way to find out 20 reasons why you’d never touch his dick.

8. Guys will find a way to stalk you, even if you’ve never met them, responded to their messages or glanced at their profile.

9. Guys will ask for your number, text you with “hey sexiness” once, and never answer you again. Was your “Hi” response too forward? Did he get hit by a truck? Did he drop his phone in the toilet bowl? Nope. He’s just a douchelord.

10. No one wants to see pictures of your pets. They’d rather see pictures of your genitals. But don’t get me started on all of you guys with your shirtless, underwear photos. It’s just like catcalling a girl on the street- does it ever really work? 

What have you learned about online dating that every female should know?

The Brides Have Gone WILD!

The apocalypse is near. An epidemic is wiping out millions of 20- and 30-somethings worldwide, and it’s headed for a social circle near you. That’s right, if it hasn’t started yet, your friends are going to start getting engaged. And, when the wedding bug bites, it bites HARD. Once that diamond slides onto her left finger, get ready for the bat shit craziness to begin.

It’s like Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones seemingly appear from nowhere to neuralize them and erase all memory of their single lives. Then, these corpse brides roam the streets, eating all of the single girls in their path alive.

In her 1962 book, Sex and the Single Girl, Helen Gurly Brown wrote, “I think a single woman’s biggest problem is coping with the people who are trying to marry her off.” It’s so sad that this is still true 50 years later.

C’mon ladies, this isn’t the era where you’re spending your days frying pork chops in the kitchen and serving your husband and his coworkers Old Fashioneds in the sitting room. I’m no feminist, but where have all the strong, independent women gone? Does your sparkly ring blind you into believing that a man is the only thing that can make you happy?

Now, it’s not all of you, and I’m absolutely generalizing here, but I would like to extend this question to all of you newly engaged and married women out there: What the FUCK is wrong with you?

I understand that you found your Prince Charming, and he “completes you.” And, I’m happy for you. Really, I am. I’m NOT jealous. You’re happy- possibly happier than you’ve ever been in your life. I get it. However, just because I don’t have a boyfriend, doesn’t mean that I’m unhappy.

I’m so sick and tired of the pity dates and the “Your life will get better/it will happen for you” inspirational speeches. Frankly, I don’t care if it happens for me. And, every time that I bring a random man home from a bar, ravage him, then kick him out without cuddling, I KNOW “my life is looking up.”

I’m 27 years old- my eggs aren’t shriveling, and my biological clock isn’t ticking all that fast. Let’s face it- I couldn’t be trusted to be someone’s mom right now, anyway. I have an awesome career, and even better friends and family. I’m having mind blowing, no-strings-attached sex with someone whose dick is more closely related to a horse than a hotdog. And, I don’t have to answer to anyone but myself. So, please tell me, what is there to be unhappy about?

Now, I’m not asking you to come to my “I’m Still Single” party, and I’m not asking you to drain your bank accounts to shower me with lavish gifts and toast me with expensive champagne. I’m just asking for you to stop lecturing me about finding love, as if you have a PhD in fairytale romances. Stop asking me if I’m ever going to get a boyfriend again, because just to horrify you- I’m going to tell you NO. Hell, I may even bring a chick as my pity date to your wedding if you keep it up. And, for the love of BACON please stop throwing me at every single guy you meet, just because we’re both “single.” Do you really think the guy with offensive B.O, bad teeth and no job is really the best catch I can get?